Ho Ho Ho!

One of the scariest sights now a days is our version of Santa Claus straying in the shopping malls in India during Christmas!

First of all, Santa is supposed to be likeable!! Children should scream and rush towards the fat man in the red suit to sit on his lap and ask for presents. Here, the scene is quite different. Children do scream, but that’s because they get sh*t scared looking at the ghastly figure who is stuffed to make a skinny guy look artificially fat and whose loose fitting white beard keeps sliding down giving way to his unshaven visage!

Secondly, they wont sit on his lap anymore ...why? Well, there are two reasons for that, one, because those little toddlers have pissed in their pants at the first glimpse of Mr Scary Claus and second, because his red suit STINKS!! Its not been washed since the past 7 seasons and has got stains all over it, and the Santa is boiling and sweating under the red woollen suit in the Bombay heat! No one wants a gift from a Smelly Santa! And what gifts are we talking about!! A silly balloon? a pencil? Stupid facemasks? Kids could buy more than that with their pocket money these days!

To make it worse, the organizers of the event insist on playing the latest film songs in full blast, thinking that this is some ritual to get the crowd into the 'party spirit'. They do succeed in rupturing few eardrums though! Jingle Bells has been replaced with some jing-bang item number from the latest movie.

To me, Christmas is about giving. (And no, I don't mean giving Headaches). More than giving gifts and exchanging wishes, I feel that the season is about giving 'hope'. It’s about giving education to an underprivileged child with a hope to see a more secure future. It’s about giving care to the patients with a hope of being accepted. It's about buying the Santa cap from the street vendor with the hope that someone will be able to buy food today.

It’s about giving time to your family whom you have been ignoring all year long when you were busy earning for yourself.

Reach out!

Cricket, this and that....

(a little bit of what everyone knows, after all in India, we have over a billion Cricket Experts)

Someone should tell the authorities that sledging cannot be taken out of the game. Its not something new and its certainly not a bad word (pun intended) any more. But at the same time, someone should tell the Indian cricketing youngsters that sledging without performance makes us barking dogs who seldom bite. A good abuse should always be followed by a spectacular delivery or a mind blowing shot (of course with the desired results).

Someone should tell the spectators that making monkey chants is more of an insult to the poor monkeys than to Andrew Symonds. Someday all the monkeys in the hills of Matheran are going to stage a mass protest if them come to know about this.

Someone should tell the seniors of the Indian team (the 'Trimurthy') that a great career is always remembered by the last performance of the player. That's why timing is everything in retirement. And that they also need to take a notice of how the young team really enjoys the game when they are not around.

Someone should tell the selection committee that if we have to lose matches anyway, then why not lose with all youngsters and budding cricketers in the team. Atleast they will learn something from the defeats. The great trio of Indian cricket is neither helping us win the matches nor helping us to accumulate the experience and learnings from the defeats.

And finally for us (the omnipresent devotees of the game of Cricket), that the Indian cricket team is very good in keeping the interest in the game alive. Every time the team hits rock bottom performance, someone pulls out a rabbit from nowhere and holds back the common man to the edge of his couch. I strongly believe that if our team won all the matches like the Aussies then we would not have as much interest in the game as we have now.

A few stray thoughts and observations to conclude the wet month of August …

That the new trend in the Indian judicial circles; celebrities commit crime, they get caught, convicted, get lot of media attention and then they get bail. Nice!! Justice served, people are happy, human rights activists are happy, TRP ratings of news channels rocket. Clearly a win-win situation for everyone... well almost everyone! The only loser was probably the dumb Chinkara who lost it's life in a stupid hunting game for nothing. Let us observe a moment's silence for that animal.

That now-a-days the only topic more talked about than Indian Cricket is the politics in Indian Cricket. ICL v/s BCCI or Subhash Chandra v/s Sharad Pawar. Whether one league monopolizes the cricket world or two clubs get into a catfight, the real issues in Indian cricket are still not answered… and will probably never be.

That Team India keeps getting humiliated on the cricket field series-after-series and yet the aging cricketers get all the money and attention, while the Indian football team won the Nehru Cup and no one cared. Except of course, Mr Priyaranjan Das Munshi whose post-win enthusiastic victory-dance was probably the only genuine expression I have ever seen on a politician.

That the Left Parties might realize but may never admit 5 years down the line that the nuclear deal was probably the best thing India did in the first decade of the 21st century.

That 15th August is important to different Indians for different reasons. But I think that it means the most to those street hawkers on the traffic signals who sell flags and make some money for the rainy day. The fact that we got our independence on this day is probably not as relevant as it used to be 50 years ago.

That Sholay can never be re-made. In fact any iconic movie should never be re-made. RGV has already prepared his defense by claiming that he didn’t try to re-make Sholay. It’s his ‘tribute’ to the movie. Yeah!! Right!!

And finally, I asked 15 school kids who our new President was. None had heard about Mrs Pratibha Patil. I asked those 15 kids who the coach of the Indian Women’s hockey team was; they replied without blinking about Mr Kabir Khan! Happy 60th Year of Independence! Chak-De India!!

In your dreams...

All of us have dreams. A living, breathing person can never be deprived of dreams. Whether he heads a big organization or survives in a shanty with two square meals to worry about, people dream. Dreams have different meanings for different people. For some people it can be just a leisure activity to amuse oneself while for others it can be the sole reason to keep pushing. Some dream for themselves, some for their loved ones and a rare few dream for others.

Dreams have a very special place in the hearts of the Indian Middle Class. It is that imaginary channel on the cable TV that we can switch on anytime we like. The amount of sub-conscious importance that we attach to our dreams makes it a parallel world for us; a world that we like to see as our 'happy place'. The man sitting opposite to you in the Mumbai local train gazes into thin air dreaming about the future he wants to give his children. The student sitting in the last bench of the class dreams about that pretty girl and how he wants to connect with her. The man waiting for the bus dreams about the ideal match for his daughter. Dream is nothing else but a dramatized hope. Hope can be a one-liner like 'I hope to be a millionaire'. When we beef it up with a script and a screenplay, it takes the form of a dream. Most of the times, these dreams start off with a mere coincidence and over time our power of imagination nurtures them to grow into 'Wishful Thinking'.

The irony of the matter is that though dreams entertain us and help us get through tough times, it is the very same dreams that break at the end and make us shed a tear, or throw our arms in the air and yell out 'Why Me'!! If dream is a journey then the tear drop is its destination. But that does not stop us from sowing the seed of another dream. I guess that's the spirit of the Indian Middle Class. We dream, therefore we are!

Jahan daal daal par ....

Some of the points that can influence the vote for the new 'First Citizen' of India

1. Does the candidate speak my language?
2. Which gender?
3. Does the candidate have the 'blessings' of the chairperson of the ruling alliance?
4. Can the president be woken up at midnight to invoke emergency at the whims and fancies of the ruling party?

.... and many more ....

Other things can be swept under the carpet.

(....iss Desh ko rakhna sambhal ke mere bachchon!)

Search for the prez ... and another reality show

2 Things can summarize almost everything thats there on the idiot box....1) reality shows/talent hunts and 2) Search for the new President of India

Why not combine the two and create a new program .... reality show to search for the new president of India?

Add to it the flavour of the New 7 Wonders of the world .... and India has its nomination ready!

Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97... wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Mary Schmich

Chicago Tribune

Yonder sits the Fourth Estate!

It used to be revered as the Fourth Estate and was once quoted by Edmund Burke as “the most important than them all”. Now, it would be fair to fit them one notch above the lifeless TV soaps and probably a couple of wedges below the cricketing world dominated by minnows and match fixers. Gone are the formative years of Indian television when the baatmiyan used to be our rare source of truth and one national newspaper in the morning used to be our connection with the outside world. For those who desired to know the truth, these limited sources used to be adequate. We used to turn on the TV to dissect a rumor, now we turn to rumors to validate the TV claims.

Rummage through any of those 100+ channels on the idiot box and you are more than likely to trip on some histrionic ‘breaking news’ of yet another rescue operation for the 6 year old fallen in a ditch or a 60 year old professor in Allahbad University having an affair with his student. If it is your lucky day then they will pull you by your ears and rub your nose into the belly of some ‘sting operation’ on some local MLA or some drunken cop accepting bribes!! Flip, flip, flip, and stop! … Couple of retired *one-night-wonder* Cricketers wearing moth-infested blazers would be giving their ‘resident expert analysis’ on how to win the next World Cup. Next, two scruffy local politicians would be arguing on totally tangent issues and an even louder ‘holier-than-thou’ news compare would be asking non-coherent questions in his Bihari accent about why Mumbai can or cannot become Shanghai! In the background we can see elaborate graphical pie with the viewers opinion poll results. (13% feel that Tendulkar should sack the waiter in his restaurant who spilled soup on Chappels wife). Bored, no worries … Flip, flip, and stop! … Voila, we have the latest on the numerology analysis of how a Star son and the former Miss World will pair if there is an extra ‘A’ in their first name followed by a silent ‘g’. Puhleeez!! As if we care!

Seriously, what is with these TV polls? And who picks those poll questions? Who should be Indian Crickets next captain? Should Amitabh have invited Shatrugan Sinha in his sons wedding? Will that 6 year old survive his plunge in the ditch?

The newspapers are no different. Gone are the days when the front-page headlines used to be a new national policy announced by the PM or an update on the emergency. Now it is all about masala. About Star sons and billionaire politicians. About Hollywood Actors in India and how their security misbehaved with the media. Some veteran actor is not willing to pay his horse’s medical bill, or someone threw acid on his girlfriend because she won’t come to the movie with him! Remove the larger than life print ads from the newspapers and you will probably end up with a couple of square inches of ‘news’ and a square foot of daily comics (add to it a sudoku and a dying crossword). Sometimes I feel that the only real value of money I am getting from a newspaper is when I sell it to the bhangaarwalla!

On a serious note, I do realize that even those news corps have to feed their employees and of course they need moolah to do so. They will go to any extremes to get the green, just like any other normal business. The bottom line is that they are showing us what we want to see. But somewhere down the process, don’t you feel that this is turning us into an immature audience and them an unethical orchestrator? If this downward spiral has to be reversed then I believe that the mighty will have to mediate. And I still believe that the pen is mightier!

All glory is fleeting

For over a thousand years, Roman conquerors returning from the wars enjoyed the honor of a triumph - a tumultuous parade.
In the procession came trumpeters and musicians and strange animals from the conquered territories, together with carts laden with treasure and captured armaments.
The conqueror rode in a triumphal chariot, the dazed prisoners walking in chains before him. Sometimes his children, robed in white, stood with him in the chariot, or rode the trace horses.
A slave stood behind the conqueror, holding a golden crown, and whispering in his ear a warning: that all glory is fleeting.
-George Patton

10 Things you want to believe ... but ...

1. All politicians are honest (or now a days even a few of them are honest).
2. If the forecast says it will rain, it WILL rain!
3. I never lie to my parents!
4. My manager says that I will get an exceptional rating in my appraisal.
5. She doesnot care whether I am rich or not!
6. Tomorrow I will start exercising.
7. I don't work for money.
8. I know when to stop.
9. The system works.
10. Someone will read this blog!

My Fav Calvin quotes ....

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." -- Calvin

"That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!" -- Calvin

"The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!" -- Calvin

Calvin: "I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius."
Hobbes: "What's misunderstood about you?"
Calvin: "Nobody thinks I'm a genius."

"Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test." -- Calvin

Calvin: "Can you make a living playing silly games?"
His Dad: "Actually, you can be among the most overpaid people on the planet."

"If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again." -- Calvin

"The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life." -- Calvin

"Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!" -- Calvin

"It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool." -- Calvin

"The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it." -- Calvin

"I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life." -- Calvin

"But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!" -- Calvin

"It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw." -- Calvin

"Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?" -- Calvin

"If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway." -- Calvin

"Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?" -- Calvin

"This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen ..." -- Hobbes

"You can present the material, but you can't make me care." -- Calvin

"From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way." -- Calvin

"Reality continues to ruin my life." -- Calvin

Calvin: "Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak."
Hobbes: "Probably so we can think twice."

"I liked things better when I didn't understand them." -- Calvin

"Is it a right to remain ignorant?" -- Calvin

"I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction." -- Calvin

Miss Wormwood: "What state do you live in?"
Calvin: "Denial."
Miss Wormwood: "I don't suppose I can argue with that..."

"What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?" -- Calvin

"My life needs a rewind/erase button." -- Calvin

"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless." -- Calvin

"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help." -- Calvin

"I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it." -- Calvin

Susie: "You'd get a good grade without doing any work."
Calvin: "So?"
Susie: "It's wrong to get rewards you haven't earned."
Calvin: "I've never heard of anyone who couldn't live with that."

"I don't need to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway." -- Calvin

"If we don't all watch the same TV, what will keep our culture homogeneous?" -- Calvin

"Nothing I do is my fault." -- Calvin

"Why should I have to work for everything? It's like saying that I don't deserve it." -- Calvin

"Why do we drink cow's milk? Who was the first guy who first looked at a cow and said "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"?" -- Calvin

"Thank you. before I begin, I'd like everyone to notice that my report is in a professional, clear plastic binder...When a report looks this good, you know it'll get an A. That's a tip kids. Write it down." -- Calvin

Calvin : "I think we have got enough information now, don't you?"
Hobbes : "All we have is one 'fact' that you made up."
Calvin : "That's plenty. By the time we add an introduction, a few illustrations and a conclusion, it'll look like a graduate thesis."

"If you want to stay dad you've got to polish your image. I think the image we need to create for you is 'repentant but learning'." -- Calvin

Hobbes : "Well, you still have afternoons and weekends."
Calvin : "That's when I watch TV."

Hobbes : "Shouldn't we read the instructions?"
Calvin : "Do I look like a sissy?"

"You know what we need, Hobbes? We need an attitude. Yeah, you can't be cool if you don't have an attitude." -- Calvin

"Why can't I ever build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere?" -- Calvin

"It must be awful to be a girl. I'm sure it's frustrating knowing that men are bigger, stronger and better at abstract thought than women. Really, if you are a girl, what would make you go on living?" -- Calvin, Dictator-For-Life, of GROSS (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS)

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want." -- Calvin

"Golly, I'd hate to have a kid like me!" -- Calvin

"If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you don't care nothing matters so you are never upset." -- Calvin

"Life is full of surprises but never when you need one." -- Calvin

"I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness." -- Calvin

Miss Wormwood : "Calvin where was the Byzantine empire?"
Calvin : "I'll take 'outer planets' for $100."

"A good compromise leaves everyone mad." -- Calvin

"Given that sooner or later we're all just going to die, what's the point of learning about integers?" -- Calvin

"If we wanted more leisure, we'd invent machines that do things less efficiently." -- Calvin's dad

"To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible." -- Calvin

"If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?" -- Hobbes

"But the important thing is persistence." -- Calvin trying to juggle eggs

"I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment." -- Calvin

"It's hard to be mad at someone who misses you while you're asleep." -- Calvin

"Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers." -- Hobbes being sarcastic

"Someday I'll write my own philosophy book." -- Calvin

"I'm a simple man with complex tastes." -- Calvin

"Endorsing products is the American way of expressing individuality." -- Calvin

"One of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and therefore more intense." -- Calvin sniffing mustard

"That's the problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder." -- Calvin

"I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life." -- Hobbes

"I don't understand this! Not a single part of my horoscope came true! ... The paper should print Mom's daily predictions. Those sure come true." -- Calvin

"I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside." -- Calvin

"That's the problem with nature, something's always stinging you or oozing mucous all over you. Let's go and watch TV." -- Calvin

"As a math atheist, I think I should be excused from this." -- Calvin

"This game lends itself to certain abuses." -- Calvin

"I'm just very selective about the reality I choose to accept." -- Calvin

"I have plenty of common sense, I just choose to ignore it." -- Calvin

A voice crackles in Calvin's radio: "Enemy fighters at two o'clock!"
Calvin: "Roger. What should I do until then?"

"I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello...?" -- Calvin

"Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it." -- Calvin

A bit of history

So after many wasted online hours on cricinfo and timesofindia.com, I finally decided to use my internet hours more efficiently and create a weblog of my own. I dont know how this makes my hours more efficient, but I know that after few years, I might come back to this blog and feel a bit nostalgic.

The inspiration to start this came from many quarters, most importantly from some of my friends who convinced me that I could write. So this one goes to proving them wrong!

Who were these friends? Well, we were a group of aspiring MBAs from a *one-time* premium Management Institute in Bombay, NMIMS, who considered ourselves to form the bottom quartile of the class. Apart from the usual comradery at the tea-stall and canteen, the group really came together in the last semister of the course when we decided to make a year book for our batch. I was not the part of the original compilation team, for the obvious reason that none of us, including myself, didn't know that I would pick up the pen (or for that matter edit the word document). Something happened sometime during those days and I discovered that I can use the thesaurus tool of MS Words to my advantage and compile an article about someone I know with an interesting use of puns and sarcasm. So this way the year book was born and a by-product of this was an illusion that I could write.

Days went by, we graduated and went on to work in different cities. The group decided to stay in touch over mails. A common salutation signed by a couple of members was Jai Shri Krishna and this gave the group its name ... JSK was born.

6 years have passed, some of us have relocated in different cities, landed in different jobs. Some of us got married and some even produced the next gen JSK. After many humourous exchanges, philosophical monologues and some sour bitching, JSK still lives on....

And a copulation of modern technology with the social needs of a human being to be in touch, gave birth to this blog that I present to you ...