Monkeys can't be gentlemen!

So now its proved, Indians are racists! We make monkey chants, we call opponents as monkeys, we tease them from the boundary lines. And if thats what the ICC code of conduct 3.3 terms as 'racism', then I don't mind being called a racist! If we wont like anyone calling us 'darkies' or 'coolies', then how can someone else accept being called a Monkey (so what if that guy is more apt to sit on a tree and throw bananas on people walking by than to play cricket).

What I cannot accept however is that how is it a crime to call someone a monkey, and perfectly normal if that same person swears at us when he is hit for a four or a six? They can call us b*****ds but we can't call them monkey? Where's the ICC code of conduct in such scenarios?

What I cannot accept is that the umpires make 8 wrong decisions against us and one wrong decision in our favor so much so that it influenced the result of the match. And yet we have to gleefully accept the result of the match because thats what 'sportsman spirit' calls for! Would the non-racist teams in the cricketing world have accepted this result with this kind of unfair umpiring?

What I cannot accept is that the Aussie captain getting agitated in the press conference when he is asked whether one of the decisions was correct. This is the same guy who himself made a loud appeal even when he grounded a catch! "Are you questioning my integrity" was how he snapped back at the reporter during the press conference. Mate, we are not questioning your integrity, we know you are shallow!

What I cannot accept is also the fact that Indian team, the captain, the management, the BCCI everyone is spineless. Just making lame comments in press conference after losing the match is no consolation. We want fighters in the team, like Pakistanis and Sri Lankans who did not tolerate injustice and fought hard against it. When Murali or Inzy were unfairly targetted, everyone was behind them. Those teams play to win! What are we playing for?

And most importantly, what I cannot accept is that this supposedly non-racist country had unfairly imprisoned and harassed an innocent doctor for allegedly having terror links, just because he is brown skin and a Muslim! Calling someone a monkey is racist, and labelling someone a terrorist just because he is brown and a muslim is acceptable! It will be interesting to see where this ends!

Ho Ho Ho!

One of the scariest sights now a days is our version of Santa Claus straying in the shopping malls in India during Christmas!

First of all, Santa is supposed to be likeable!! Children should scream and rush towards the fat man in the red suit to sit on his lap and ask for presents. Here, the scene is quite different. Children do scream, but that’s because they get sh*t scared looking at the ghastly figure who is stuffed to make a skinny guy look artificially fat and whose loose fitting white beard keeps sliding down giving way to his unshaven visage!

Secondly, they wont sit on his lap anymore ...why? Well, there are two reasons for that, one, because those little toddlers have pissed in their pants at the first glimpse of Mr Scary Claus and second, because his red suit STINKS!! Its not been washed since the past 7 seasons and has got stains all over it, and the Santa is boiling and sweating under the red woollen suit in the Bombay heat! No one wants a gift from a Smelly Santa! And what gifts are we talking about!! A silly balloon? a pencil? Stupid facemasks? Kids could buy more than that with their pocket money these days!

To make it worse, the organizers of the event insist on playing the latest film songs in full blast, thinking that this is some ritual to get the crowd into the 'party spirit'. They do succeed in rupturing few eardrums though! Jingle Bells has been replaced with some jing-bang item number from the latest movie.

To me, Christmas is about giving. (And no, I don't mean giving Headaches). More than giving gifts and exchanging wishes, I feel that the season is about giving 'hope'. It’s about giving education to an underprivileged child with a hope to see a more secure future. It’s about giving care to the patients with a hope of being accepted. It's about buying the Santa cap from the street vendor with the hope that someone will be able to buy food today.

It’s about giving time to your family whom you have been ignoring all year long when you were busy earning for yourself.

Reach out!

Cricket, this and that....

(a little bit of what everyone knows, after all in India, we have over a billion Cricket Experts)

Someone should tell the authorities that sledging cannot be taken out of the game. Its not something new and its certainly not a bad word (pun intended) any more. But at the same time, someone should tell the Indian cricketing youngsters that sledging without performance makes us barking dogs who seldom bite. A good abuse should always be followed by a spectacular delivery or a mind blowing shot (of course with the desired results).

Someone should tell the spectators that making monkey chants is more of an insult to the poor monkeys than to Andrew Symonds. Someday all the monkeys in the hills of Matheran are going to stage a mass protest if them come to know about this.

Someone should tell the seniors of the Indian team (the 'Trimurthy') that a great career is always remembered by the last performance of the player. That's why timing is everything in retirement. And that they also need to take a notice of how the young team really enjoys the game when they are not around.

Someone should tell the selection committee that if we have to lose matches anyway, then why not lose with all youngsters and budding cricketers in the team. Atleast they will learn something from the defeats. The great trio of Indian cricket is neither helping us win the matches nor helping us to accumulate the experience and learnings from the defeats.

And finally for us (the omnipresent devotees of the game of Cricket), that the Indian cricket team is very good in keeping the interest in the game alive. Every time the team hits rock bottom performance, someone pulls out a rabbit from nowhere and holds back the common man to the edge of his couch. I strongly believe that if our team won all the matches like the Aussies then we would not have as much interest in the game as we have now.

A few stray thoughts and observations to conclude the wet month of August …

That the new trend in the Indian judicial circles; celebrities commit crime, they get caught, convicted, get lot of media attention and then they get bail. Nice!! Justice served, people are happy, human rights activists are happy, TRP ratings of news channels rocket. Clearly a win-win situation for everyone... well almost everyone! The only loser was probably the dumb Chinkara who lost it's life in a stupid hunting game for nothing. Let us observe a moment's silence for that animal.

That now-a-days the only topic more talked about than Indian Cricket is the politics in Indian Cricket. ICL v/s BCCI or Subhash Chandra v/s Sharad Pawar. Whether one league monopolizes the cricket world or two clubs get into a catfight, the real issues in Indian cricket are still not answered… and will probably never be.

That Team India keeps getting humiliated on the cricket field series-after-series and yet the aging cricketers get all the money and attention, while the Indian football team won the Nehru Cup and no one cared. Except of course, Mr Priyaranjan Das Munshi whose post-win enthusiastic victory-dance was probably the only genuine expression I have ever seen on a politician.

That the Left Parties might realize but may never admit 5 years down the line that the nuclear deal was probably the best thing India did in the first decade of the 21st century.

That 15th August is important to different Indians for different reasons. But I think that it means the most to those street hawkers on the traffic signals who sell flags and make some money for the rainy day. The fact that we got our independence on this day is probably not as relevant as it used to be 50 years ago.

That Sholay can never be re-made. In fact any iconic movie should never be re-made. RGV has already prepared his defense by claiming that he didn’t try to re-make Sholay. It’s his ‘tribute’ to the movie. Yeah!! Right!!

And finally, I asked 15 school kids who our new President was. None had heard about Mrs Pratibha Patil. I asked those 15 kids who the coach of the Indian Women’s hockey team was; they replied without blinking about Mr Kabir Khan! Happy 60th Year of Independence! Chak-De India!!

In your dreams...

All of us have dreams. A living, breathing person can never be deprived of dreams. Whether he heads a big organization or survives in a shanty with two square meals to worry about, people dream. Dreams have different meanings for different people. For some people it can be just a leisure activity to amuse oneself while for others it can be the sole reason to keep pushing. Some dream for themselves, some for their loved ones and a rare few dream for others.

Dreams have a very special place in the hearts of the Indian Middle Class. It is that imaginary channel on the cable TV that we can switch on anytime we like. The amount of sub-conscious importance that we attach to our dreams makes it a parallel world for us; a world that we like to see as our 'happy place'. The man sitting opposite to you in the Mumbai local train gazes into thin air dreaming about the future he wants to give his children. The student sitting in the last bench of the class dreams about that pretty girl and how he wants to connect with her. The man waiting for the bus dreams about the ideal match for his daughter. Dream is nothing else but a dramatized hope. Hope can be a one-liner like 'I hope to be a millionaire'. When we beef it up with a script and a screenplay, it takes the form of a dream. Most of the times, these dreams start off with a mere coincidence and over time our power of imagination nurtures them to grow into 'Wishful Thinking'.

The irony of the matter is that though dreams entertain us and help us get through tough times, it is the very same dreams that break at the end and make us shed a tear, or throw our arms in the air and yell out 'Why Me'!! If dream is a journey then the tear drop is its destination. But that does not stop us from sowing the seed of another dream. I guess that's the spirit of the Indian Middle Class. We dream, therefore we are!

Jahan daal daal par ....

Some of the points that can influence the vote for the new 'First Citizen' of India

1. Does the candidate speak my language?
2. Which gender?
3. Does the candidate have the 'blessings' of the chairperson of the ruling alliance?
4. Can the president be woken up at midnight to invoke emergency at the whims and fancies of the ruling party?

.... and many more ....

Other things can be swept under the carpet.

(....iss Desh ko rakhna sambhal ke mere bachchon!)

Search for the prez ... and another reality show

2 Things can summarize almost everything thats there on the idiot box....1) reality shows/talent hunts and 2) Search for the new President of India

Why not combine the two and create a new program .... reality show to search for the new president of India?

Add to it the flavour of the New 7 Wonders of the world .... and India has its nomination ready!